Big Book of Funny
by Iamhappytojustbealive
Summary: It's just like the title suggests! Nothing but funny HP stories!
1. Chapter 1

"Now, Harry wait right here while your mommy and I go in and get our orgasms-Shit! I mean orders!"

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**CUT**

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"Now, Harry wait right here while mommy and I go in and get our ORDERS. Don't move from this bitch--Shit! I mean bench!

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**CUT**

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"Now, Harry wait right here while mommy and I go in and get our ORDERS. Don't move from this BENCH. Got it?" James told his son. Harry nodded his head. "Good." 

James and Lily both went into the store to get the food they had ordered for Harry's birthday party, which was tomorrow. He was going to be seven. Harry was waiting for them for about two mintues when, dun dun dom he heard some crying.

Harry looked around and saw a small blond child in the middle of the street looking down while crying and crossing the road. He also saw a car coming and heard a cell phone?

"Hello, Draco-Ah!" The blonde child got hit by the car.

* * *

Harry looked around and saw a small blond child in the middle of the street looking down while crying and crossing the road. He also saw a car coming. He quickly jumped off the bench and ran into the road and...fell? 

"Ow! Damn-it!" Harry yelled.

"Harry, childeren aren't suppose to swear!" The directer yelled (which is me -).

"Ow! Uh, Sandwhich!"

* * *

"What hell are you looking at, hoe!?" The blond child-WAIT A SECOND! 

"Draco, you read too far in the script!"

"..."

* * *

"What?" 

"I don't know your name."

"It's Harry. What's yours?"

"..." The child looked down as he blushed.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't tell you my name."

"Why not?"

"Because you'll..."

"I'll what?"

"You'll laugh..."

"No I won't."

"Yes, you will."

"I won't."

"How do I know if you are telling the truth?" He asked, still blushing, and looked up at Harry.

"I..." Harry thought. "I know! Pinky promise!"

"What's a pinky promise?" He asked curiously as his blush slid away.

"It's when you take I take my pinky like this. He holds out his pinky to the other's And you take yours. The blond child reluctanly lifted his pinky. And now we hook them together. Which they did." Harry shook their pinkies up and down and said. "I pinky promise to help you find your parents and not laugh at your name."

Harry then let go of the blonde's pinky.

"What does this mean?" He asked confused.

"It means that now I have to keep my promise. My name is Harry Potter." Harry answered. "And your's?"

"Is..." The blond blushed slightly.

"Is?"

"Dra..."

"Dra what?"

"Draco...Malfoy..." He mummbled as he looked at the ground and waited for Harry to laugh at him, which he did...He LHAO.

"You bastard! You laughed!"

"Didn't...mean...too...just...look...on...your...face...so...stupid-Ach!" Harry stopped laughing when Draco body slammed him to the ground.

"Take that Bi-atch!"

* * *

"That's not a funny name." Harry said. Draco looked up from the ground. 

"It's not?"

"I even think that your name is cool. It's way better than Harry Potter."

"Really?" Draco asked hopefully and Harry nodded his head. Draco smiled brightly. "Of course it it! I just didn't want to hurt your feel-Ah!" Harry started chasing Draco around.

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**...OH...BOY...CUT!...**

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"Now, let's go find your parents." Harry said as he held his hand out for Draco to climb off the bench and take, which he did without any hesiatation. 

Harry and Draco searched around for what seemed like ages but was really only about three mintues, when someone yelled.

"Dracy-poo!" A female's voice rang out from behind Harry and Draco. Draco turned around and ran towards a beautiful woman with blonde hair. Beside her stood a tall, handsome blonde-haired man.

"Mummy!" Draco shouted as the woman caught him in her arms. He then bitch-slapped her. "HOW MANY DAMN TIME DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU WOMAN NOT CALL ME DRACY-POO IN F-CKING PUBLIC!?" HE SLAPPED HER AGAIN "BI-ATCH!"

* * *

"Oh, you had Mummy and Daddy all worried about you." She said as she held Draco tightly. 

"Indeed." The man stated as he ruffed Draco's hair. Draco giggled.

"I'm sorry..." Draco said, then looked at Harry smiling. "Thanks Harry..."

"What did he do?" The woman asked.

"Nothing really..." Draco said.

"Nothing! I saved your f-cking life!" Harry yelled then grabbed Draco and bitch-slapped him. "Bi-atch!"

* * *

"There was a car coming and almosted hit me, but Harry was super quick and saved me!" Draco told them excitedly. "He helped me try and find you! And guess what Mummy?" 

"What?" She asked smiling at Draco.

"He didn't laugh at my name!"

"That's great!" She said to Draco, then to Harry. "You've saved his life."

"It was nothing." Harry said blushing at the attention.

"I wouldn't say that." The man said. "We now owe you a wizard's debt."

"What does that mean?" Harry asked curiously.

"It means that if you ever need something done no matter what it is, we have to comply."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because you saved something very perious to us, Draco's life, without any heistation or thinking." The man said walking up to Harry. He waved his hand a piece of paper appeared in it. He handed to Harry who took it. "This is proof that we owe you the debt."

Harry took the paper and looked at it. It glistened, because it was made out of gold.

"Wow..." Harry muttered. "I wonder how much I could sell this for!" With that said, Harry ran away with the Wizard's Debt. WTF!

"Harry come back! That's a prop of the story! It's not-" I started to say, but an unnamed grunt stopped me.

"Actually, it is real..." He said. I blinked.

"Who bought a real piece of gold?" I asked calmly.

"I di-" BOOM! I made him burst into millons of pieces of acorns.

"We're on a budge! Next time, this tw-...oh...you're dead...SOMEONE GET ME MY GOLD BACK OR FACE THE CONSEQUNCES! OH, AND CUT!

* * *

"Harry James Potter Jr. !" Harry's mother shouted stomping over to Harry with his father in tow. "You had your father and I worried. What were you thinking?" 

"I had to help Draco." Harry said pointing at Draco, who was on the ground and walking towards Harry. Harry's mother and father looked at Draco, then at Harry.

"What do you mean?" His father asked.

"He has saved my child's life." Draco's father explained. "And now we owe him a wizerd's debt."

"Thank you Harry..." Draco said, smiling brightly at Harry. Harry blushed slightly.

"It was nothing." Harry mumbled and his parents raised their eyebrows at his sudden shyness. This was unlike their son to blush and mumble.

"Cough pansy Cough." Harry's dad coughed-talked.

* * *

"Well, we have to go now. Thank you once again." Draco's father said and started to walk away. Draco looked at his father, then Harry. 

"..." Draco blushed as he leaned forward and gave Harry a peck on the cheek. "Bye Harry..."

He ran up to his mother who held her hand out for him to take, which he did. They followed Draco's father and soon vanished into the crowd.

"Well, isn't that something." Harry's mother said astonished as she put her right hand on her hip. "We leave you alone for a little while and you save someone. Now you have someone owing you the highest kind of debt there is."

"That's our little boy!" Harry's father said while ruffing up Harry's already wild hair. "In a couple of more years, that kid will be ready to be pimped out!"

"That's what I'm talkiing about!" Harry said. "Big money from that hoe!"

**DISTRUBING...CUT!**

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**AN: well how did you like it...that's all i can think to ask...anyway...suggest some chapters. I decided that this will not just be about wizard's debt. It'll have just funny stuff in it! Suggest it and I'll write it!**

**Disclaimer...I don't own no Harry Potter, Bi-atchs!**


	2. Chapter 2

"Don't worry, you're going to love it here." Ron told Harry as they had exit the train.

"How do you know what its like?" Harry asked Ron.

"My older brothers told me all about it and how cool it was..." He said, then whispered. "Plus, they said that they know where some drug dealers, a lot of secret passages, and whores are."

"Cool." Harry said while nodding.

* * *

CUT! That is SO not Cool!

* * *

"Alright! First years follow me!" Hagrid said while waving his right hand high and walking in...the wrong direction! 

"Hagrid!"

"Oopss..."

* * *

CUT!

* * *

"He's a really tall fellow alright, mate!" Ron said looking at Hagrid with wide eyes. "You were right!" 

Harry nodded his head and looked around at the other first years that were walking with them. His eyes landed on a head with blond hair. The person was looking down as though nervous and in thought.

"He's very pretty." Ron said watching the same person that Harry was. Harry looked at Ron and raised an eyebrow. "He'll make a good whore to pimp..."

"What!?" Harry bith-slaps Ron. "That's my bia-tch!"

* * *

Cut!

* * *

**With Draco**

"What if I won't fit in?" Draco thought to himself while sighing. "...Forget it! I can always pay people to like me! Money can buy happiness!"

* * *

Cut!

* * *

Draco smiled slightly and looked forward where a middle-aged looking woman stood talking. 

"I will come back out here when the dining hall is done and sorting hat is ready to sort." She said and left through the doors. As soon as she did everyone looked at each other and started talking. Draco sighed and looked around. He saw a red head and bruetnett looking at him weirdly. The red head smirked and said something to the bruetnett. He then walked over with the bruetnett following behind.

**With Harry**

"Ron..." Harry called his name, but was ignored. He sighed when they reached the blonde boy.

"Hey, bab-." Ron started, but didn't finish cause Draco bitch-slapped him.

"I ain't ya babe!" Draco said while placing his left hand on his hip and snapping his right hand. "Get it right!"

"..."

* * *

CUT! Why can't YOU guys get the SCRIPT right!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

"So, its true. Harry Potter has come to Hogworts." The blonde said in amazement. He held his hand out to Harry, who shook it. They both gasped slightly at the electrical feeling that ran through them...and it kept running through them. 

"WTF! Someone turn off the electricty! I said FREAKING MINI-SHOCK! NOT MAXIUMAL!"

* * *

CUT!

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"Draco! Draco Malfoy!" Ron said in between laughs. 

"I suppose you think that my name is funny." Draco said feeling pissed on the inside. "I would ask your name, but its obvoious. Red hair, freakles, and a hand me down robe, you must be a Weasly, bia-tch."

"..." I glare at Draco. "Draco, you've been changing the script again...haven't you?"

"Uh.."

"..." I raise my hand and acorn-slapped him.

"Acorn-slap..." Ron questioned. I glared at him and acron-slapped him.

"Don't Fudge around with my script anymore, got that bia-tchs!"

* * *

CUT!

* * *

**With Draco**

"Hm..." The hat thought. "You're very smart, cunning, and sly...Your bravery is not weak, but it isn't at its strongest...Hm..."

"Hey, I'm brave!" Draco argued in his head.

"Yes, it will develope well in Gryfindor."

"Gryfindor! That's for Pansies! I'm a Malfoy!" Draco declared proudly.

"Ah...a Malfoy...hm...I believe that Gryfindor would be best for you...but if Sylthern is what you want..." He said to Draco then yelled to the teachers. "Gryfindor!"

"What?!" Draco yelled as he stood up. Aston Kucher ran out from behind a secret wall.

"Dude, you just got punked!" He yelled to Draco, who blinked then pulled out his wand. He cast a disapperse-assholes-from-my-faces spell.

"No one punks me!"

* * *

CUT!...If anyone ask...Aston Kucher was never here...

* * *

**With Draco**

Draco was in a deep conversation with his best friend and house mate, Blaise Zabini, when he felt someone staring at him. He lifted his head and saw Harry staring at him. Draco tilted his head looking at Harry confused.

"What's he looking over here for?" Blaise asked Draco, who shrugged.

"I don't know, but I wish he would stop." Draco said holding back a blush. Blaise reached over and grabbed a randomly placed acorn off of the table and threw it at Harry.

"Score, it popped him right in the eye!" Blaise cheered.

* * *

...CUT

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**With Harry**

"Harry, I know that the bloke is pretty, but really do you have to stare at him." Ron stated, irratated that Harry hadn't paid attention to a word he had said and was staring at Draco. "You did not even listening to what I said."

"Sorry Ron." Harry apologized as he stopped staring at Draco and looked at Ron while blushing slightly. "What did you say?"

"Never mind, Mate..." Ron said while shaking his head and glancing at Draco. "Prick."

"...I don't remember writing that...but the show must go on!"

(In the Morning After Sorting)

"Man! I'm sure glad that they gave us the morning off!" Ron said happily as he walked with Harry and Hermione who both had nodded in agreement. "So, what are we going to do today?"

"I don't know, what d-" Harry was interrupted, because he had got knocked down. "Mother737373! Son of a B836463! G75 Da788it!"

"What happened to the letters?" Ron asked.

"You see...we're being censored...and we're poor...we can't afford #)&(+- or anything..."

"You just used those symbols..."

"And those were my last ones..."

"Da766!"

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CUT!

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	3. Chapter 3

(In the Morning After Sorting)

"Man! I'm sure glad that they gave us the morning off!" Ron said happily as he walked with Harry and Hermione who both had nodded in agreement. "So, what are we going to do today?"

"I don't know, what d-" Harry was interrupted, because he had got knocked down. He looked up to see Draco on the ground also. "WTF! Watch where yo' going Bi-atch!"

**

* * *

...Cut...**

* * *

Draco looked up to see that he had ran into Harry.

"Watch where you're going?" Draco snapped at Harry as he stood up slowly.

"Me? You watch where YOU'RE going!" Harry shot back.

"I was, but its kind of hard to move out of the way when there are a bunch of idoits blocking the entire walkway!" Draco said while sneering and attempted to pass them. However, Ron had other plans. He pulled his hand back and bitch-slapped Draco. Draco fell stunned. Ron laughed, but soon Harry bitch-slapped him.

"Don't be hittin' up on my hoe!"

* * *

...

* * *

"Where you off to?" He asked as he stepped in Draco's way. Draco turned his sneer on him.

"None of your damn business." Draco hissed and started walking off. Ron frowned at this. He stepped on the end of Draco's robe and tripped him. Draco let out a startled scream as the robes ripped off of him leaving him standing in a playboy bunny outfit...?

"WTF! I didn't write that in the script! He did that!" I asked.

"I...I thought it would be funn-" The grunt started, but I acorn slapped him.

"Was getting acorn-slapped funny?" I asked while raising my hand again.

"N-n-no!"

"That's what I thought bi-atch! From now on, no one changes the script without my knowledge! I'm Queen Bitch around here!" I yelled.

"Hello...I'm in a playboy bunny suit..." Draco stated. I stared at him, then brusted out laughing.

"That's he-lar-ious!" I exclaimed.

"That's not how you spell hi-" Another grunt started, but I acorn-slapped him.

"Get the F+ck back to work!" I yelled.

"Hey, I thought you didn't have anymore things to sensor us with!" Ron pointed out. I blinked.

"Hey, look Draco in a playboy outfit!" I yelled. Ron rolled his eyes.

"I've seen him-"

"Bending over!"

"Where!?"

* * *

CUT!

* * *

When he did, everone that was in the laughed at him. Draco slowly climbed to his feet with a very red face from scratching it on the floor and from being laughed at. Draco glared at everyone; however, deep down on the inside, he was really ashamed and embrassed and dirty...very dirty...he was a bad bad boy...that wanted to get a spanking...for being a bad boy...a dirty bad boy...

0.0

* * *

"Are you..." Hermione drifted off, because she couldn't contain her laughter if she opened her mouth. She put her hand over her mouth.

"Draco, are you alright?" Harry asked as he reached a hand out with a face almost as red as Draco's. Draco huffed and slapped his hand away.

Draco gathered up the bottom of his robe for fear that Ron would do the same thing again, thus increasing the laughter in the hallway, and ran off.

"I hate that Weasly, Granger, and Potter." Draco said in pure contempt. "Bastards!"

"Draco! You didn't give me time to sensor you!"

0.0


End file.
